What Defines Pie?

“Banana split or pie?” I asked Amphitrite, holding the plate with several very long bananas on it.

“Banana split, please,” Amphitrite said.

I quickly made her a banana split. “Whipped cream?” I asked as I held a can of cream over the ice cream

“Of course,” my friend said and I started spraying. 

Adrestia started pulling out more dishes for everyone’s treats. “I’ll take a banana split too,” she said. 

I finished Amphitrite’s split and handed it to her. Adrestia was spraying whipped cream from the can when an air pocket caused the white cream to explode out and covered the rest of us with white specks. 

“Stupid can. Why didn’t I make this by hand?” I half growled as I grabbed a towel.

Aphrodite finished the muffin she was munching on as she bounced over. “Pie, please,” she said before giggling at the shape of the bananas. The other goddesses laughed as they licked the cream from their arms. 

“Righto, one cream pie coming up for Dite!” I called out as if confirming an order from a diner. Aphrodite fell to the floor laughing, and the other goddesses joined her. I felt my face flush slightly as I’d clearly missed something.

Khione choked out, “Well, I guess I won’t be getting whipped cream on my pie now.”

“Yes, I would love a cream pie,” Dite gasped out, her face red from laughter as tears streamed down her face. 

Adrestia’s face had gone as red as her mother’s, even though she wasn’t laughing nearly as hard. “Mom!” she cried out, her tone clearly one of embarrassment. 

“She started it,” Dite cackled. 

Confused, I walked over to the fridge. I felt a slight surge of my power when I grabbed the handle. I opened the wonderful invention of the mortals and pulled out a double-layered cake. It was two vanilla cakes with a creamy filling. There was a lovely milk chocolate coating over the top. After making real whipped cream, I served Aphrodite a slice. “One cream pie with extra whipped cream,” I said with a smile. 

Khione fell to the ground, clutching her stomach as she gave hearty belly laughs. “Oh, my!” she cried out.

“What?” I asked. Man, I was confused as to what the hell they were laughing at. 

Dite pried herself off the floor, her laughter reduced to giggles as she took the pie. “Thank you for the cream pie, Hes. You are very kind,” she said between giggles.

I glanced at Amph as she hid her smile behind her banana split. “Don’t worry. I’ll do anything for you, Dite. I’ll give you a cream pie any time,” I said proudly. Anything to keep the woman out of my kitchen. 

Well, frack me, I thought. I’d said something wrong again, judging by the fact that Tia just facepalmed and Khione was rolling around on the floor. What in the name of the gods did I say wrong this time? Clearly, I’d messed something up?

“Can I just have plain vanilla ice cream, please?” Khione said, clearly trying to avoid something with the pie. Why would she not want a cream pie?

Dite was flat-out cackling at this point as she moved closer to Adrestia., “Would you like to tell her, or should I?”

“I think I should,” Tia said. 

“Someone should,” Khione agreed.

“Please. I do not have the strength,” Dite said as she gave  in to another laughing fit. 

“Hestia,” Adrestia said before she leaned in to whisper in my ear. Her tone was something that suggested that I wouldn’t like what I was about to be told.

“What? It’s Boston cream pie,” I said in my defense. 

Adrestia whispered into my ear, “When a man has an orgasm inside someone, that’s called a cream pie.”

“A man does what?!” I cried out. “Sure, I was the Goddess of the Home, but why would I watch what they do that closely? They had fun, and babies were made. That’s Dite’s job to know, not mine. As long as the family and home are happy, that’s all that matters. If they did grunting things and that makes them happy, then more power to them. A happy family is a good family, I always say,” I snapped, my voice cracking with confusion. Dite slid down the cabinet, her face red with laughter again, but somehow she still managed to keep her plate from spilling.

“He…finishes inside,” Adrestia said softly but no longer whispering. 

Khione was rolling on the floor as she gasped through her laughter. Dite set her pie on the floor, laughing so hard she could barely breathe. The plate of Boston cream pie slipped from my fingers, crashing onto the floor. Pie splattered everywhere. “And why would he do that?!” I cried out.

Why in the world would they do that? What in the world is Amph doing? She’s just smirking and hiding behind her food. Freaking Dite can’t even breathe from laughing so hard.

“Now, who wants to tell her about the meat jokes?” Dite managed to gasp.

“What meat jokes?” I snapped. I really hated not understanding this.

“Don’t ask me. I don’t have the experience,” Tia said.

“Well, not all children come out of the ocean,” Khione said, trying to be helpful.

Dite tapped her nose to Tia. “No go.”

Tia whispered in my ear, “The meat is a man’s penis, and apparently, the bigger they are, the more they joke about the size.” She moved her hands to gesture at her loins.

I gasped, my face twisting in horror for a moment. “Oh! I heard about this from the Greeks. The man and woman kiss and do their thing. Then the momma bakes the kid like in an oven.”

“Not exactly the meaning of bun in the oven.” Khione snickered. 

Dite gasped as she fell over, her feet kicking from her laughter. Adrestia rolled her eyes and said, “Close enough.” 

I point at her daughter, her laughter coming as gasps still. “Oven!”

“Mom!” Tia cried out.

“What? The cream pie I gave Tia will make her into an oven?” I wondered. “If the baby is fully formed in the cream, then babies soon?”

“Hestia!” Tia snapped, her face redder than my hair. 

Dite squealed. “Oh yes, give me grandbabies!”

Tia whispered, her tone frantic, “Not like that. A man donates half the material…” she let her voice trail off.

“Yes, you need to give my sweet darkling a cream pie next.” Dite snickered.

“Mother!” Tia snapped.

Khione had streaks of ice on her cheeks from her laughter. “No, no, no!”

Tia facepalmed. “Now I know where Eros gets it from.”

Dite laughed again. “That he does.”

I tucked my arm under Tia’s as I picked up the last of the pie. I lifted it like a bride feeding the groom. “Open up, one cream pie coming.”

“Yes!” Dite exclaimed. “A mother really should not be watching this, though,” she said as she averted her eyes. 

“Well, maybe not her mother,” Amph said. 

“Watching what? It’s just part of life when a woman cream pies another woman, right?” I asked. Gods damn it, I really need to go take some classes and learn this kind of thing. I think I should return to that club that was just so happy, maybe ask questions of the hot tubbers? That was something to figure out later.  

“Yes! That is a part of life and a wonderful way to do it,” Dite said.

“There are other, more enjoyable ways to do that,” Amph said with a knowing smirk.

Dite glanced at Amph. “It can be fun without a man, love.”

“Yes, Aphie…I remember,” Amph said.

Tia ate the pie from my hand, glaring at her mother. “There! I did it! Can the jokes stop?”

Dite gave Amph a wink while I smiled at Tia. “Thank you. Did you like my cream pie?” I asked. That sent Dite into another wave of cackles. Tia pursed her lips, her face still red.

“Yes, dear, did you enjoy it?” Dite asked her daughter. 

“Oh, they really are having a laugh at you,” Khione said.

“It happens. It’s why I steal Dite’s clothes,” I said. 

Tia glared at her mother while Dite shot her a devious grin. “It was delicious,” Tia said to me.

I shook my head. There was something that I just didn’t get. Yep, time to get classes on this and immerse myself in the mortal world. “Oh. I missed something,” I said as I started to wave at the air above me before winking at Dite. “Nothing there, but I’m too fast. Nothing goes over my head,” I said matter-of-factly, my hands resting on my hips as I pushed my chest out, acting all proud of myself

“You would catch it, Hes.” Dite laughed. 

“Yes, yes I would,” I said in a confident tone.